He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
