the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
