I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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