I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
