I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
