He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
either way he was missing a nipple.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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