I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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