if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
