i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
