At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
