I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
