Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
