I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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