my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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