Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
