Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
