I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he puts the penis in happiness.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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