Pants 0. Shit 1.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
