But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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