Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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