my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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