i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
