I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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