mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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