By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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