I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
