I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
