Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Every concussion has its silver lining
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
