Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
