Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
