ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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