All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
