We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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