Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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