I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
