Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
