There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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