I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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