im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
