hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
