Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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