I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
