It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
