So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
