dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
