I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
