Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
