I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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