so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
