talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
We named our party play list daddy issues
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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